Say Something To Someone

Believe it or not, I experienced domestic abuse before I was even born.

Growing up without a father is something I've had to come to terms with my entire life. But the reason for his absence wasn't because he left us or passed away (at least not until I was 5) – it was because he beat my mother so severely when she was pregnant with me that she had to leave him for our safety.

In many parts of Africa, domestic violence is almost considered normal. It is not unusual for a woman to have her own parents send her back to the abusive husband she's trying to escape. My mom's family failed to protect her. In fact, I think she found herself in that relationship because they'd failed her, on so many levels. As a beautiful young woman without any resources or money, you become an easy target for predatory (rich) men. That was my mom, when she met my father. But that's another story that I won't be telling here...

The cultural attitude in Africa when it comes to domestic violence is that a woman should simply endure the abuse, no matter how severe, in order to preserve the family unit. But my mother refused to accept that narrative.

My father was an unfaithful partner, and he had multiple parallel families, with multiple women but again, this is not a problem at all in Africa. He was older than her, richer than her, and a very, very bad catch especially because unbeknownst to her, he was already married.

After the incident, she left him, determined to start a new life...but only for herself.

My mother raised me in a very specific way: no lies between us, ever. For this reason, she never hid the fact that after leaving my father, all she wanted to do was to get rid of the only thing that would keep them connected...me.

This little detail is especially important because it shows what domestic abuse can do to someone: my mom is very religious, and I grew up knowing that abortion would never be an option if I got pregnant at an early age. She never believed in abortion. She feels bad about that even today, and she asks for forgiveness every time that time of her life comes to mind.

But I have nothing to forgive, and she has nothing to be forgiven for...

I don't understand it, but that man was and still is, the love of her life. I would imagine that for her, at the time, the anger was overwhelming. She had believed in him, believed in the family they were creating, together.

I can't imagine the fear and pain she must have felt, knowing that her own child was being harmed by the very man who was supposed to protect us.

The combination of her solitary circumstances and the absence of any assistance made it markedly harder for her to identify any silver lining to her current situation.

My mom never had the option to say something to someone, and get help. But if you do, you're already a lot luckier than some women in the same predicament.

Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or local support organization. Your life, and the lives of your children, are worth fighting for. You don't have to suffer in silence.

With the right help and resources, you can break free and build a better life – not just for yourself, but for the next generation as well. My mother showed me that it's possible, even against all odds.

If you or anyone you know needs help, you can find all the resources from the EU here